


lowkey (you don’t have to love me)

by melones (huntressed)



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee, f(x)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Friends With Benefits, kaistal is the main ship here, krystal-centric of course, mentioned sulli/krystal, minor laystal, minor seulgi/kai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 12:50:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18717433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huntressed/pseuds/melones
Summary: It’s three in the morning and there’s enough light illuminating Jongin’s room for her to see the outline of his face. It baffles Soojung how she’s basically conditioned herself to put her career first and to disregard any other thought of forming physical or emotional attachments to anyone that can be perceived in a romantic notion, but here she is, looking at Jongin like he’s going to save her from the hole she dug for herself.





	lowkey (you don’t have to love me)

**Author's Note:**

> the idea of writing this came to me after listening to lowkey by niki, and this fic is the reason why i've been listening to lowkey for two days straight just so i could finish this one properly. anyways, this fic isn't supposed to be this long, and this wasn't the original direction i hoped it would go, but i love it though. and i hope you all love it as much as i do. best if you listen to lowkey by niki while reading this.

“I don’t give a fuck about what they say,” He says right after he drags her into an empty practice room. Soojung doesn’t even know what he’s talking about, but she lets him pull her in that room and allows him to keep her at close proximity.

   “I want it, if you want it as well then I say fuck it and go for it.” He adds. Suddenly, Soojung remembers it now. Their conversation the other day about the whole no-strings-attached kind of thing.

   “Look, Jongin, we don’t need this kind of attachment right now. Especially when you’re already peaking.” There she goes again, bringing him back to the reality that not-hiding is the better option for the two of them. Sure she loves the rush of sneaking into backstage changing rooms to make out with him, but it doesn’t need to be a regular thing. It never needs to be a regular thing. 

   The look on his face resembles that of a shattered glass. She pulls off her best i-don’t-care face before caressing his cheek and leaving the practice room. 

   Soojung knows that he’s gotten attached to her at this point, but she never tells him anything, nor does she do anything to help him combat that attachment. 

   It’s cold outside the company and she’s wearing something that barely keeps her warm, she calls Taemin and within a few minutes, Taemin picks her up. 

   “What is it this time?” Taemin asks as soon as she slides into the passenger seat, tossing her bag into the backseat with haste. 

   “Jongin.” She replies without anything else to support what she’d just said. If anything, Taemin would know already what she’s talking about. He’s Jongin’s friend, and more or less, Jongin would tell him about the situation he’s trying to put him and Soojung in. 

   “Oh. Shit.” Taemin’s response only solidifies how bad of an idea it is. They don’t talk the whole way home, but she pretends she doesn’t notice whenever Taemin looks at her while the light is red and opens his mouth only to close it again. 

   As much as Soojung wants to accept Jongin’s offer, she couldn’t. Not when EXO is already peaking in the charts and finally getting themselves some good and steady footing, and not when she’s busy with so many dramas while f(x) fades into the background. 

   She thinks of kissing Jongin before she falls asleep that night. 

 

\

 

Jongin’s lips are warm and reminiscent of comfort - something she hasn’t quite experienced in a long time. She pulls his body flush against hers, her blood running with adrenaline and thrill at the thought of possibly being caught if someone tries to knock in the bathroom. 

   They shouldn’t be doing this, not at the Inkigayo building where there are so many people who could potentially find them if they got too careless. But Soojung loves the thrill, and she knows that Jongin likes the feeling of being loved - even if it’s not really love at all. 

   “Soojung-” He begins, but Soojung cuts him off with her lips before he says anything stupid. She doesn’t want him to say anything he’s going to regret soon. 

   “Kai,” She calls him by his stage name, not wanting to call him by his real name because well, that would mean she acknowledges that this is getting too deep for her. “Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything you’ll regret.” 

   He slips a hand under her dress, but he doesn’t say anything more. 

 

\ 

 

None of her members are in the company, she would have bitched about it to Taemin but he’s not around either. In fact, none of f(x) or Shinee are around, and she thinks that they’re probably doing this to spite her (not that she did anything worthy of their spite). Instead of being a brat and giving them shit about their leaving the company vicinity without her knowledge, she just sighs and goes inside one of the practice rooms. 

   Inside the room is Yixing whom she haven’t seen enough. It’s been months since the company sent him off to China to work on his own music, it’s been months too since she had to reject him and tell him that she’s not looking for any relationship. They haven’t really talked since then, and seeing him in the flesh in this moment is enough to send shivers down her spine. 

   “Yixing, nice seeing you here.” She begins, noticing the way Yixing’s hands hovering over the piano.

   He doesn’t turn around, only responses in the same stoic voice Soojung uses when she talks to people she finds repulsive. “Likewise, Soojung.” 

   “I didn’t know you’d be back.” She tells him, motioning for him to scoot over so she could share the piano bench with him. 

   Yixing’s shoulder are tense beside hers, she looks up to see quite a troubled expression from him. “I’ve been back for a week now, Soojung.” 

   “Oh,” She feels herself choking on her words, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” 

   “Soojung,” He begins, and it’s a tone that she doesn’t really want to hear from him. It sounds like he’s mad, and as much of a bitch Soojung is, she doesn’t really want to hear anyone talking to her in that tone. “You need to stop the push and pull with, Jongin.” 

   That’s quite unexpected. She assumed for a while that he’s going to talk to her about the way she left things before he left for China. That he’s going to tell her off for Soojung basically ghosting him and leaving him with nothing before he left, all because he told her he’s in love with her. 

   “Excuse me?” She finds herself rather confused and taken aback with his statement. Clearly Jongin has told him something if this is what Yixing tells her during their first meeting in months. 

   “You heard me, Soojung.” This time, he sounds resigned, like he doesn’t even want to have this conversation anymore. “I’m saying stop the whole thing with Jongin. Reject him if you don’t like him, be with him if you do.” 

   “But that’s not even what he’s asking me to do.” She tells him, even though she doesn’t really know if it’s safe to tell Yixing all of this. “He wants me to get into a no-strings-attached kind of thing. You and I both know it’s not good for EXO and f(x) if we’re caught by the media.” 

   “You’re good at hiding, Soojung. You and I both know that.” Well that hit her more than it should. His words are laced with some kind of poison and Soojung doesn’t even know if she’s going to be able to handle anymore of this conversation. 

   “So you’re saying I should potentially endanger both of our groups’ careers? Yeah, sure.” She scoffs, though annoyed by his implications, she knows full well that he’s right anyway. That she could just about hide anything from media if she wanted to. She’s done it before with Sulli for a good few months before they broke up, and she’s certainly hid the fact that she and Yixing went out on those few dates. 

   “I’m just saying that you wouldn’t if you really wanted it.” Yixing shrugs, which infuriates Soojung even more. 

   He takes a look on her face and smiles, one of those incredibly annoying smiles that she hopes to never see again from him. “You like him, anyway. I say it’s worth the hide and seek.” 

   Soojung leaves him right there on the piano bench, fuming on her way out. 

   Funnily enough, it’s Jongin who sees her in the smaller studio room, sitting with her knees hugged to her chest. 

   “Are you okay, Soojungie?” 

   She only looks at him with a blank expression. At the moment, Soojung doesn’t really know what to do with Jongin. She doesn’t want to even think about Yixing words, she just wants to sleep and get all of this over with. 

   “Looks like you’re not.” Jongin adds, “Want to come with me and get some food? I swear I won’t piss you off even more.” 

   The eagerness gets her to stand up and actually come with him. It’s funny, really, because they’re out on the open wearing those stupid masks and bucket hats in order to hide their appearances, and they end up eating in probably a shitty ramen place in the less populated places of Seoul. Despite all of that, though, Soojung feels a little better - like the conversation that happened between her and Yixing didn’t happen at all. 

   They should be back at the company after they’ve eaten, but Jongin takes her to a walk around the Han River and he launches a conversation about space and leaving the idol life that it’s impossible for Soojung to think of him as an idol. In that moment, they both look and sound like normal people who doesn’t even need to worry about the media trailing them. 

 

\ 

 

Jongin’s apartment has become too familiar for her at this point. She has every crevice of his bedroom memorized. She knows just how many inches she could stretch her arm across before finding the edge of the bed, knows just how far she could reach from above her head before reaching the headboard, and knows which one of the sheets she sees is Jongin’s favorite. 

   Technically, they haven’t came upon a decision yet - or Soojung, for that matter. It just so happens that she’s let her guards down enough to actually start a more intimate friendship with Jongin. One where they can hang out without the topic of being friends with benefits being discussed. Hence, the reason why she doesn’t feel too worried about being in the place he shares with Sehun. 

   However, this friendship contains quite the skinship. During nights where she’d stay over for some dramas or a movie, she find Jongin placing an arm around her shoulder, or around her waist. Occasionally, he’d also press a kiss to her forehead when she’s leaning on his shoulder and close to falling asleep. 

   Soojung doesn’t want any of the skinship, but she’s so touch-starved that she welcomes it with open arms despite the fact that she doesn’t want to have it with Jongin. 

   It’s three in the morning and there’s enough light illuminating Jongin’s room for her to see the outline of his face. It baffles Soojung how she’s basically conditioned herself to put her career first and to disregard any other thought of forming physical or emotional attachments to anyone that can be perceived in a romantic notion, but here she is, looking at Jongin like he’s going to save her from the hole she dug for herself. 

   There’s no way she’s going to admit it to herself, not out loud at least, so she pulls the blanket higher to cover her bare chest and she stretches her arms across Jongin’s chest. They’ve done this so many times before and nothing’s getting complicated. Soojung hopes it stays that way. 

 

\ 

 

During one of EXO’s performances in the Inkigayo stage, Soojung goes over there to watch them despite not being invited by any of them at all. It’s an impulsive decision that Sunyoung had supported way too much. Soojung doesn’t know what makes her think that she and Jongin will ever happen, but Sunyoung had been so pushy and adamant on making Soojung go that she drove Soojung all the way to the Inkigayo building by herself. 

   “Be nice and don’t entertain paparazzo.” Sunyoung winked before driving away, leaving Soojung all alone in the back entrance of the building that contains Jongin. 

   She supposes that she’s not allowed to think this time before she fucks something up, not that there’s anything to fuck up, of course.

 

**text message to jongin:** good luck on your performance today. 

 

   She puts her phone back in her pocket before she does anything impulsive. 

   Blending in with the crowd has become easy for Krystal. All she has to do is wear minimal makeup (only bb cream and lip tint), leave her hair alone and not style it, cover her face with a mask, and wear a bucket hat like it’s the cherry on top. 

   As per usual, EXO does great, not that it’s much of a surprise anymore. It’s another music show win to add to the numerous music shows they’ve won, and Soojung feels the surge of pride for Jongin (and maybe Yixing to an extent). 

   When the idols get off the stage, she makes her way to the entrance of the dressing rooms, making sure to show the people that she’s Soojung so they’d let her in the room. 

 

**text message from jongin:** we just got off stage. that was amazing, honestly, where are    
   u? can i see u today? 

 

**text message to jongin:** not too far. i’ll see you in a bit. 

 

   Soojung enters their dressing room just as she notices the words “read” just below her message to Jongin. Her entrance is greeted by howls and cheers from the EXO members, despite their lot being older than her, it feels like she’s in a room filled with children. It’s part of their charm, though, she thinks. The perfect schoolboy group that can go from cute to hot which makes hormonal teenage girls fall to their knees. 

   “What brings you here, Soojung-sunbaenim?” Suho asks her, ever the polite one. 

   “Just thought I’d pay a visit.” She smiles at him, not really telling him to drop the honorifics because she enjoys being called “sunbaenim” especially since f(x) hasn’t been doing much recently. 

   “Us? Or Kai?” Yixing smirks from where he’s leaning against a table. 

   “All of you.” Soojung smiles at him, one that implies her annoyance for Yixing’s antics. 

   The rest of the group reacts to Yixing comment with a childlike “ooooh”. She doesn’t know just how much the rest of EXO knows about her situation with Jongin, but she figures they don’t know that much due to the blank look on some of their faces. 

   “Well, we appreciate Soojung-sunbae’s presence during our performance. So if she came for either us or Kai, we’d still take her. Right, boys?” Sehun speaks up, creating some kind of vague damage control. Soojung smiles gratefully. Sehun is Jongin’s roommate after all, he’d know what’s happening behind the scenes for Jongin and Soojung.

   The rest of the boys go back to their usual buzzing and bickering, and Soojung feels thankful that they don’t dwell too much on her presence anymore. It gives her time to go up to Jongin and congratulate him for a job well done during the performance. 

   “I didn’t peg you as the type to come to performances of other people.” Jongin points out but with that sunshine-like smile on his face that it’s hard for Soojung not to smile back. 

   “Felt like this one’s important to you. You had quite the moment during the intro today, so I figured you’d need lots of moral support.” She shrugs, like knowing how anxious he gets in front of a big crowd during his big solo moment is not a big deal at all. 

   She hopes Jongin doesn’t read much into her actions. 

   “It is, Soojung. Thank you.” He looks at her like she’s some sort of saving grace for the day. 

   If Soojung could stop her chest from beating so damn fast, she would have done it already. But it’s beating way too fast for her liking that she finds herself looking towards Yixing with a panicked expression. 

   Yixing knows, and instead of helping her out or taking her away from Jongin, he laughs at her and suggests, “Maybe you should go take Soojung out, Jongin. I think she deserves good food after coming all the way here to watch us.” 

   “You’re right. Wait here? I’m just going to change into something more comfortable.” He tucks a strand of Soojung’s hair behind her ear, prompting Soojung to inhale sharply. 

   She only lets out that breath when he disappears into the restroom. 

   From the other side of the room, Sehun is looking at her with a calculating expression. Frankly, she doesn’t know if he trusts her or not, and she understands if he doesn’t. He’s Jongin’s best friend after all. It would be weird if Sehun just allows her into their lives without any reservations. 

   Jongin returns a few minutes later, wearing a white shirt and jogger pants with a fanny pack. Soojung would have teased him for his fuckboy look if it weren’t for the fact that the rest of his group basically had seen how close they are as friends. It bothers Soojung, not because she’s embarrassed about being seen with Jongin, but because she doesn’t want this thing to escalate into the minds of other people. She doesn’t want them to think that they’ll be together. 

   It would have been nice to see them dating for some of their group mates. For the rest of f(x) it’s because Soojung doesn’t really do anything other than to overwork herself and take every chance she could get to take whatever schedule the company gives to her, for Jongin she knows it’s because the boys think he deserves to have someone care for him as much as he cares for the boys. But the thing is, Soojung doesn’t really believe in this dating thing until she’s off her career and living off the business she’ll start with her leftover idol money. 

   Plus, dating Jongin or even starting a remotely confusing controversy by being seen with him would earn her the wrath of millions of his fans. 

   Soojung wants to play it safe and keep Jongin at arm’s length as much as she can. 

   The way he presses his hand against the middle of her back though, and leads her inside the restaurant, makes her question about whether she really wants to play it safe. 

 

\ 

 

By some sort of miracle, Jongin finally gets her to agree to the no-strings-attached arrangement. It’s during the one time they’re lazily making out on the couch after a quickie while Sehun’s gone. Jongin looks at her with a smile on his face and Soojung is left to ponder why he’s looking at her like that until he, of course, tells her. 

   “Even if you don’t agree to the friends with benefits thing, we’re still doing it.” 

   His bold statement takes her aback. They don’t really do that often, but they still do. In that case, Jongin’s already won.

   “Huh, you’re right.” She doesn’t even mind it one bit though, which is surprising. “Guess that’s what we are, then.” 

   “We can stop.” He suggests, his face turning serious. 

   It costs Soojung all of her pride to say this, “No. I actually quite like it.” 

   Saying those words feels like a confession, and it shouldn’t feel that way, but it does. Soojung tries her best not to think of it that much. 

 

\ 

 

Arguably, one of the most confusing things that struck her to date is when Jongin asked her if it’s okay if they see anyone else despite the friends with benefits arrangement. It’s one of the questions where she doesn’t really know what to answer. Jongin adds that they’d stop, of course, when one of them gets into a relationship. But Soojung didn’t even think of that. Hell, she doesn’t even think of anyone else with Jongin other than her. 

   “I don’t mind it.” She says, even though it bothers her to think of Jongin with someone else. Despite all of that, she lies through her teeth and pretends that she’s untouchable, that nothing fazes her even though they do. 

   “Oh, you don’t?” His tone suggests that he’s surprised to hear her say that. 

   “Yeah. I mean, if you want to date someone go for it.” Soojung replies, despite the fact that she means absolutely nothing of what she just said. 

   “Are you going to date anyone?” He asks her once more, and she doesn’t know if this is an afterthought to what she’d just said, or if he really is that curious. 

   Soojung stops for a bit, thinks of whether or not she should say something stupid just to mess up with Jongin. Eventually, she decides against it. Soojung would rather dig a bigger hole for herself than fuck Jongin up. 

   “I don’t think so. It’s not really in one of my options.” And it’s true, of course. Soojung doesn’t really think of dating , and she knows that her answer will keep Jongin happy enough, or so she hopes. 

   He kisses her again and she lets him, despite the fact that she’s already in various stages of confusion. 

 

\ 

 

Taemin tells her about Seulgi’s crush on Jongin exactly ten days after she told Jongin that it’s okay if they are to date other people. She doesn’t know why Taemin thinks she’s going to bother with this kind of information, but she lets him ramble on anyway. 

   When he finishes, she looks at him like he’s being dumb, “I don’t really understand why you feel the need to tell me this.” 

   He looks at her blankly, he blinks a few times and throws his hands in the air in exasperation. “Fucking hell, Soojung, I have no idea if you’re that dense or if you’re just too much of a pussy to admit it.” 

   Soojung only looks at Taemin blankly, which she knows will annoy her friend further. 

   “Go ahead, Soojung, deny your feelings even more. Jongin and Seulgi are getting close and as I say this, they’re probably talking in the practice rooms. If you don’t make it clear to Jongin that you like him back, you better be ready for the whole ass amount of regret you’re gonna get.” He adds. 

   Truth be told, she does acknowledge deep inside that Taemin is right, but Soojung’s stubborn self and her willingness to not do anything that could possibly fuck up her career holds her back. 

   “I meant all of that, just in case you were listening, but I doubt you were. You never listen, not to anyone.” Taemin gives an exasperated sigh before he drives away to drop Soojung off at her apartment. 

 

**text message to jongin:** how’re you? 

**text message from jongin:** that’s quite surprising. u never text me first. 

**text message to jongin:** u haven’t talked to me in 2 days.

**text message from jongin:** missing me already?

**text message to jongin:** will never admit anything.

**text message from jongin:** let’s watch a movie tomorrow. i was gonna ask seulgi, but i 

   kind of missed you too. 

 

\ 

 

Seulgi waves at her just before she enters the company building to meet up with Jongin, and it’s quite a rare thing to see. Most days, Seulgi doesn’t wave at her, she would bow and greet Soojung like the senior Soojung kind of is. Usually, Soojung doesn’t let this bother her, but the fact that Seulgi’s getting closer to Jongin and the bit of a change in Seulgi’s attitude towards her causes her to be a little paranoid. 

   There’s nothing for her to do in the company other than to take her schedule from the CEO’s office and leave, but she stays behind just to wait for Jongin. He did say they’re going to catch a movie today. 

 

**text message to jongin:** not much for me to do today in the company. i’ll wait for you in    
   the music room, though. 

**text message from jongin:** sure thing, babe. i’ll be out in an hour.

 

   So she waits. She plays herself a few songs on the piano while she’s waiting and scrolls a bit in her social media accounts until she hears the distinct sound of Jongin’s footsteps (she’s become so used to Jongin’s presence that she’s even memorized his footsteps, this is when Soojung realizes that she might be a little in too deep). 

   “Hey there,” Jongin greets with the same cute expression on his face that gets her a little bit. She tries her best not to make it seem like her toes are already curling in appreciation. 

   “Hey yourself,” She smiles at him, “What movie for today?” 

   “I’ve got tickets to that new DC Film. Are you into superheroes?” His brows are furrowed. 

   “I’m into any good movie,” Soojung laughs, an airy one that kind of echoes around the room. She knows it captures enough of Jongin’s attention and she takes in the way he stops in his tracks to admire her. Maybe it’s how it feels to be admired genuinely for who she is, and not for what she presents to the public. 

   Soojung wants to kiss him badly, but she restrains herself. 

   “You’re not taking your girlfriend?” 

   The look on his face is priceless. “Girlfriend? I have a girlfriend?” 

   “Seulgi. Taemin said you two are getting closer.” Soojung runs her fingers over the piano keys, hiding away the fact that she’s feeling a bit… bothered about this conversation. Or the fact that Jongin and Seulgi are getting closer in general. 

   “She’s not my girlfriend, Soojung.” 

   “Is she going to be?” 

   “No. I don’t want her to be. Even though I know she likes me.” 

   The bluntness surprises Soojung. It wasn’t something she’d expected to come from Jongin, especially the part where he actually explained himself. 

   “Let’s go?” The soft expression on his face is back as he takes her hand and leads her to his car. 

   He holds her hand during the movie and Soojung feels all giddy inside. There are stolen glances between them, with Soojung taking a look at Jongin’s face whenever he smiles at the movie screen, and Jongin looking back at Soojung when she finally looks away. 

   By this point, Soojung thinks she low key likes him. 

   He drives her home and kisses her cheek before he lets her go to her apartment. 

 

\ 

 

The next time they go back to their no-strings-attached kind of thing, Jongin says something completely crazy. It’s crazy enough that Soojung kind of loses herself during the entire time Jongin is talking. 

   “Soojung?” He calls out to her, intertwining his fingers with hers. “What’s wrong?” 

   “Jongin,” She begins, taking a deep breath because she’s not really sure if this is something she should break to Jongin while they’re in this intimate position. “You can’t…” 

   The look on his face is enough to break her. 

   “You can’t like me, Jongin.” She finishes. 

   “I thought… I thought we have something good going here?” The confusion on his face makes her want to cry. 

   “I’m sorry.” She stands up to get dressed, but Jongin holds onto her wrist. 

   “Stay the night, Soojung. Just this once.” His voice is gentle but desperate enough to make her want to stay the night. 

   Here’s the thing though, Soojung doesn’t want to stay the night, she wants to stay forever. But she couldn’t do that, so she cries silently at three in the morning while holding on to Jongin’s arm that’s wrapped around her. 

 

\ 

 

Taemin gets mad at her. Like, full on mad that she doesn’t even know what do when he slams his hand on the steering wheel. He tells her she’s an idiot, and yes she knows she is one, she doesn’t need him to reiterate that. But, she’s an idiot who’s doing things for the betterment of their careers. She’s an idiot with good intentions. 

   That’s not the case for Taemin, though, as he already launches on the rant that will forever determine his faith in Soojung’s decision making. 

   “I really don’t care about what excuse you’re going to pull out of your head right now. You need to cut this shit out, Soojung. You’ve done it to Sulli, you almost did it to Yixing, and now you’re doing it to Jongin. You need to spare the people who care about you from your tendency to be afraid of commitment the moment it tries to get to you. Fucking hell, Soojung, didn’t I tell you enough that nothing would happen if you don’t try? You’re getting worse every year and it’s seriously concerning that you’re still spiraling and doing the same shit at this rate.” 

   Well that hurt. It hurt her loads that tears start to form in her eyes. 

   “Oh great, now you’re going to cry. Sure, Soojung, get hurt. That’s how it feels when you told Sulli you couldn’t do the entire relationship thing because it’ll ruin both your reputations and f(x)’s. That’s how it feels when you ghosted Yixing after he told you he loves you after the entire time that you and him hung out and he introduced you to his parents, Soojung! Don’t you feel guilty enough that you’re essentially doing the same thing to Jongin?” He’s fuming, and Soojung doesn’t know if she’s afraid that she’ll lose her best friend or if she’s angry that he’s pulling up all the receipts of her past mistakes. 

   The weight of his words sends Soojung into a crying fit that her shoulders are shaking as well as her voice. She’s never cried this much before, but it’s probably because her own mistakes are catching up with her, and she actually has to atone for them. 

   “You liked Yixing. You like Jongin. You fucking  _ loved  _ Sulli, but look at what you did? You used your career as an excuse to defend your tendency to be afraid of commitment - even the slightest bit of it - and you act like it makes you better than everyone.” He’s panting when he finishes the speech. Soojung feels his anger all the way to her chest, and her heart? It’s about to beat out of her chest in anxiety. 

   “I don’t know what you want from me, Taemin.” Her voice is low enough that it could be a whisper if she lowered it even more. 

   What surprises her is Taemin putting his arms around her, calming down the sobs racking her body. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, Soojung. But I just… really want you to stop being afraid of the things that could make you happy. You push everyone away, Soojung, and it hurts to see you like that especially when we both know you’d be happier with them… with Jongin.” 

   “But Taemin…” She doesn’t even know if she should continue this, because either way, Taemin would know that it’s what she feels anyway. 

   “I’m scared.” She breathes out after what feels like an eternity of silence between the two of them. 

   The amount of sympathy in Taemin’s voice makes her want to just sink deeper into her best friend’s embrace and never leave. “I know, Soojung. I know.” 

 

\ 

 

She looks for Jongin in his apartment a few days later, but its Sehun who answers the door. There’s a hard look on his face, like he’s hesitant about whether or not he should entertain Soojung’s visit at all. 

   “Sorry, Soojung, but Jongin’s not here.” Sehun tells her, his face softening down to an apologetic look. 

   “Let her in anyway, Sehun. I need to talk to her.” Yixing’s distant voice with the sound of video games interrupts her thoughts of what she should do next. 

   Soojung bites her lip and clenches her fist before entering the apartment she knows too well. Without even thinking twice, she takes the seat next to Yixing, ready for whatever it is that he’s going to tell her. She’s done this thing with Taemin, and she’s ready for the one with Yixing.

   “You know, I would have been mad if I didn’t know just how afraid you are of getting feelings.” He begins, which prompts Soojung to look up at him in confusion. 

   “You may be good at hiding, but I’ve been your friend and I’ve been in that period of confusion with you for too long to know that you develop feelings as quick as the next person. What I don’t understand about you is your fear of getting too attached.” 

   “It’s because I’ve seen people get left too many times, and this life? Nothing’s quite permanent when you’re an idol.” She responds with no enthusiasm at all. She doesn’t want to talk about this, not even Yixing’s calmness and kindness could take this away. 

   “Of course. But you make the connections as you go along and hope they last. You’re afraid of the gamble, Soojung.” 

   “Anything else you want to point out?” She doesn’t intend to sound mean, but it comes out that way anyway. Soojung doesn’t bother to apologize. 

   “If you stop being stubborn, you’d find yourself happier than you think you are. Which is a lot, by the way.” The next thing he does surprises her. Their short conversation comes to an end with Yixing pressing a kiss to Soojung’s forehead. 

   “I’m still getting over you, by the way. But I do really want you to be happy, so stop being scared. Jongin would never hurt you, he couldn’t do that to you.” He smiles at Soojung, and she feels all too apologetic now. 

   “I’m sorry, Yixing.” She sighs, as if it’s going to fix all the things she’s done to him. 

   “No worries. I’m two seconds away from getting over you. Plus, I’ve already told my parents you’re not going to be my girlfriend, so we have the hard part out of the way.” He shrugs, and then he laughs which honestly makes Soojung feel a little better. 

   “Jongin’s by the Han River, just so you know.” Yixing winks, and Soojung pulls him into a hug before bidding him goodbye. 

   She’s never really chased after a boy before, but it feels a little too weird and a bit liberating. It’s been years since Soojung had acted like a normal girl, and now it feels like she’s not even Krystal of f(x) anymore, she’s just Jung Soojung. Chrystal Soo Jung, if you will. Some girl who moved to Korea after being in California for years, and is about to chase after the guy she likes. 

   Jongin is sitting on a patch of grass beside the river, and Soojung thinks that he looks serene enough that she doesn’t want to interrupt him at all. If she doesn’t go there, though, she might just lose her shot, and disappoint Taemin once more. 

   She takes a deep breath and sits next to him. 

   “Oh, Soojungie, you’re here.” The smile on his face is wide, but muted down. 

   “Kim Jongin,” She begins, “I’m sorry, and I like you. I like you so much it’s going to make my heart beat out of my chest and it scares me way too fucking much that’s why I didn’t want to tell you I liked you back a few nights ago.” 

   As expected, there’s the look of shock on Jongin’s face. She couldn’t read his expression at all. The only takeaway that she could see is that her sudden outburst took him by surprise. 

   “Say something.” She tells him in a fit of panic. 

   “God, Jung Soojung, you’re so…” 

   “So…?” 

   “Come here,” and then he kisses her. Kisses her like he’s been doing it since forever, like he’s always known how to make her heart flutter and beat so fast it feels like it’s going to burst out of her chest anytime. He kisses her like she’s some form of salvation, like she’s this sweet and delicate girl, not a woman who’s been hardened and forced to grow up too fast with the amount of years she had to spend in the industry. 

   “I don’t like you, Jung Soojung, I love you. I love you so much it’s going to make my heart beat out of my chest. I know you don’t exactly love me yet, but we’ll get there.” He smiles at her. 

   Soojung giggles as he wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her closer to him. 

   “And I promise you, I would never hurt you.” 

   “I’m not going to leave you hanging, Jongin. I swear.” 

   “We better keep this low key from the media, though.” 

   This time, it’s Soojung who kisses him first.


End file.
